I consider restarting but carry on with the blockbuster, deciding that half the men only makes it TWICE as heroic. The other three must have fallen through the floor or something. This time I got the ‘hold position’ orders correct.īut as the fight starts I find out that only three of the six soldiers have spawned.
Then I plopped six of them down on a roof in the middle of a dusty town, with only one set of stairs leading up, facing a huge force of zeds invading the outskirts of town. I made the US soldiers from the WWII era much more powerful than usual, with a faster fire rate.
As such, I wanted to see if the explosive heroism of your average blockbuster could play out here. You can fiddle with the stats of any character model in UEBS, you see. What men? It’s Six Better-Than-Average US Soldiers I Created From The Custom Unit Editor. This summer, only six men stand between the undead and the end of the world. 5000 zombies versus 6 elite US soldiersĪ zombie horde. When viewed from above, it looked like someone had taken a bite out of a giant piece of toast. They killed 6000 men before they finally succumbed to the blows of the Persian blades. When they finally reached the field, the ogres cut into the square of humans like it was a block of soft cheese. A third of their forces had been destroyed before a single Persian sword was swung. Before the ogres even entered the clearing, they had already lost almost 100 of their number to huge boulders collapsing down on them. But I had neglected to take note of the map’s name - “Avalanche Canyon”. I had chosen this map because it was the only one with a narrow canyon (I know there wasn't really snow at the battle of Thereminorolypoly, come on). The Persians, meanwhile, were standing in the open, waiting patiently for the ogres to arrive, looking with bored, expressionless faces at the oncoming horrors.īut there was another problem. The ogres were now flooding out of the canyon and advancing on the Persian mega-army. But I quickly discovered that there had been a terrible mix-up. I thought I had ordered the ogres to stand their ground in a canyon, to better recreate the Hawt Gates of the famous Greek battle. In the set-up menu you can give the units basic orders – hold position or attack. It looks a lot less pretty now, but it works.Īs soon as the battle began, I realised something was wrong. So I bumped down the Persian soldier count to 45,000 and kicked the graphics quality settings down the stairs. I would have conscripted more men to help fit the legendary version of events, but the game groaned under the weight, the frame rate stuttered, and then my monitor exploded and sent splinters of pixels into my eyes. Originally it was 60,000 Persians, in an attempt to model the infamous battle of Thermopopomopolae. 45,000 Persians versus 300 Ogres in a canyon But what kind of brawls can you create? Well, here’s four epic battles we threw together to find out.ġ. What you have here is a toy, something that aims for the simplicity of its Deadliest Warrior conceit and – just barely – hits the mark. In fact, it’s hundreds of times more limited than a real strategy game. Apart from that, it’s still about arranging vast (or small) armies on large maps and having them go at each other until one force comes out of the meat grinder without losing all their wee men. I mean, if you discount the ability to pit masterly Chickens against a force of Orcs. There’s not much in UEBS that isn’t possible in any of the Total War series. This time, the huge and ridiculous fights of Ultimate Epic Battle Simulator. Every week we pit Brendan against the thousands of half-formed games of early access in a doomed battle for supremacy.
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